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Here is where I'm going to display some of the things I write. Don't expect much lol. Don't worry either, I will
never attempt to make it a profession. It's basically a place for me to post some of the poetry, short stories and other
stuff that I've written. If you don't like it - tough. If you like it GREAT! Either way no one can stop me from
putting it on here. So enjoy!
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The fairy tale is over now,
It’s as plain as day to see.
Because I fell in love with you,
But you did not love me
Now I cry myself to sleep at night
Wishing I could change
And be the one you’re looking for
Then things wouldn’t feel so strange
Now nothing feels quite like
Love to hatred turned
I hoped I had become smart enough
I’ve had my share of being burned
But here I am, once again
With tears streaming down my face
I should’ve know this was a dream
I should’ve remembered my place
All my life I’ll be in pain but
Everyone I will deceive
For love is something I’ll always give
But never once receive.
Silence
The days are quiet here now.
No one calls for you anymore. There is only the occasional piece of mail addressed to you these days that only serve
to remind me that you're gone. This pain has eaten a hole in my soul and it's almost more than I can bear.
Waking up each morning without you beside me seems pointless. I lay in bed all day, unmoving, paralyzed by my
longing. There was no warning. No chance to say good bye. I'm angry at you for leaving me here. I
know you had no choice and that you would never intentionally cause me to suffer this way. But you are gone now and
the memories of you haunt me in this empty house. I reach over to where you once slept and tears fill my eyes.
It wasn't so long ago that I was waking up next to you, watching you slumber.
Now I remember that morning that I shall never in my life forget. It was like every other morning...I woke early
and smiled as I watched you sleep before our alarm would sound. I reached out gently to caress your face and you felt
so cold. Something felt wrong. It was then I realized that you weren't breathing. Panic overwhelmed me as
I shook you, desperate and praying you'd wake up. Nothing I did helped you and you were gone from me and this world.
I was found crying over your body when the coroners arrived. They told me you died in your sleep and had felt no pain.
Now, I lay here in our bed feeling a pain that consumes me and numbs me.
I look at the clock next to the bed. It's 6:17pm. Normally you'd just be getting home from work now.
I strain to hear the sound of you coming through the front door. A sound I know will never come again. I wish
this was all just a dream.
I dissolve to tears and roll over onto your side of the bed as if it will bring me closer to you. Your scent
is still on your pillow and I cry into it, soaking it with my tears. "I miss you," I whisper into your pillow.
And I continue to cry until sleep overtakes me and I pray for the impossible...to awake to see you sleeping next to me once
again...
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When I think about you now, I envision you sitting on
your back porch sitting in a rocking chair. With your journal in your lap and pen in your hand you write your most personal
thoughts as you periodically stare out into the rain. The house behind you is empty, there's no sound but that of the
rain to keep you company. You appear calm, relaxed and contented at this moment in your life. And why wouldn't
you be? You don't have me in your life anymore to hurt you, to make you cry, to make you confused and scared.
And in this envisionment of you, I know you are aware that nothing I did to hurt you was intentional and you have truly
forgiven me and found peace. You were always such a forgiving person. I'm so glad that my maltreatment of you
didn't tarnish you or take away that part of you. I regret everything I did that hurt you and I know how fortunate I
am to have been forgiven.
Seeing you like this makes me miss you even more but I know you're better off without me. I would never dare
ask you to come back to me. You're happy now and I won't be the one to ruin that for you. Too many times have
I let my selfishness keep you from happiness. Never again. I love you and that's why I'll stay away. Because
I know I can never love you as much as you deserve. I hate to see you alone like this. Not when you are deserving
of so much love and tenderness.
But wait! You tilt your head towards the screen door that is behind you and to your left, straining to hear a
sound from inside the house. The sound gets louder and closer and a small smile creeps onto your face. Suddenly,
a little girl around the age of four, wearing yellow rain boots and a slicker bursts through the door. A huge smile
on her face she runs to you with open arms as you quickly put your journal aside to pick her up. She yells "Daddy!"
with excitement as you gather her up in you arms and hold her close. Pride, written all over your face. Her mother
walks through the door and greets you with a warm smile, a hug and kiss. She settles into the rocking chair next to
you and you listen attentively as your wife and daughter take turns telling you about their days.
It is now that I'm able to see the full extent of your exuberance.
A pang of jealousy reminds me that that could've been our daughter that now
sits upon your knee. A tear rolls down my cheek and I fall asleep with the image of your smile in my mind.
The Stoic You Are
A Song by Ashley Mathieson
Why couldnt I see it?
How could I have been so blind?
It was right in front of me.
Why couldnt I see the stoic you are
Guess I was hoping on some star out there
That you, you might learn to care about me.
Why couldnt I see
The stoic you are.
You are haunting my dreams
I cannot sleep
Cant seem to erase your memory
I, I am divided
Between loving you and hatred
My feelings will never affect you
The stoic you are
You say Im the strange one
I didnt know loving was a crime
But Im glad that its over now
Because I hate
The stoic you are
I was a fool for wishing on that star out there
Thinking that you could learn to care about me
Wish I had seen The
stoic you are
When You're Gone
Sadness prevails and despair sets in
Everyday that passes without you gets increasingly grim
Tears threaten to overtake me at every moment of the day
I'm wishing that you had never gone away
Nothing seems to rouse me from my darkened solitude
No matter
how hard I try, my thoughts are all of you
You left so suddenly it seems, no chance to say goodbye
Sometimes it feels
so hopeless that I don't know if I should try
Will things ever be the same, the way they used to be?
Will there ever
be a day again where you will be with me?
I feel as though my life is ending, spiraling out of control
Everyone says
this is my price to pay, that love has some kind of toll
They say that the love we had was so brilliant, unlike all the
rest
This parting is a kind of payment, and some say it's a test
I just think it's painful, dieing slowly with each
breath I take
Your hand has slipped from mine and it's making my heart break
I close my eyes and your face is all
I see
I wonder how long God plans to keep you from me
I am numb to the world as the feelings overwelm me and everything
goes black I would do anything if I could only have you back
I pray that once you return your love for me will be just
as strong
I know that if that love had died, I too would die before long
Please come back to me for only you can give
me the air I need to live
For just one more day with you, there's nothing I wouldn't give
The Battle
Everyday is a constant battle to fight back the tears that threaten to drown me. Sorrow's
ever ready hand reaches out and attempts to choke the life from me. How was I supposed to know you would have this effect
on me? So close to my heart, yet so very far away. How could someone make me so incredibly happy yet give me the
reason for sorrow to hold me under its control? I thought that I could keep this under raps, that I could be the one
to hold sorrow under a glass jar remaining untouched by his icy fingers. I imagined that I could be the one to overcome
his trickery. That I would be able to differentiate between reality and the false images he implants within your
mind to make you doubt, to make you insecure. But I wasn't. Like all the others I crumbled under his presence.
His grip tightens, forcing me to remember the times when we were together, when we were happy
and to face the reality that we share today. Sorrow smiles revealing the blackened spaces where I'm sure teeth used
to be. He's had eons to perfect the artistry he now performs to make me cry. Tears streaming down my face - he
has won. Yet, he is not satisfied with his triumph, he wants more. Greed is his companion and together they want
to watch me squirm, to make me suffer.
Hope stands behind me trying to urge me to go on. "Keep strong, you can win. Just
believe and one day you will be together again. Think of the good times to come for the two of you." Sorrow and
Greed turn their ugly gaze to Hope. "Hope, you fool. Don't tell the girl to believe in things that clearly cannot
be. The girl knows the truth. No leave us, pester someone else with your bothersome dreams," the black pair
say in sync.
In a sweet, seducing voice Sorrow turns to me and says, "Ashley, don't let Hope blind you with
his deceit. I am only here to show you the truth." Hope wraps her arms around me and whispers what she thinks
I should choose.
That is how it is. That is the battle in which I am the prize daily. There have been
victories on both sides yet the war is far from over. I stand in the middle of a battle field on which I am moved as
a pawn on a chess board. Although I am promised many things by the dark figures of Sorrow and Greed and the tall white
presence of Hope, I keep my eye on the goal. Time weighs heavily in this war and only he will know how this is to end.
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